Thanksgiving is a time to remind yourself of what you are grateful for. Don't get me wrong, I have A TON to be thankful for, but I also have a huge hole in my heart as I type this. Today I would have been 15 weeks pregnant with our miracle baby.
Right after my last post, I went to the clinic for an ultrasound on October 1st. Dr. Blauer performed the ultrasound and got really quiet after a while of looking for the heartbeat. At this point I was still feeling pregnant and wasn't ready for what he was about to say. To be sure, he would have me come in on the 3rd, just to double check.
After a while, he said, "I'm sorry, I don't think this is a viable pregnancy" We. were. blindsided. I didn't even know how to react. I just felt numb and almost in shock. When I realized what that meant, my heart dropped. The amount of blood, sweat, tears, hope, and money we have spent the last year on trying to start a family was just flushed down the toilet. The emotional toll of this news crushed us. The amount of sadness and pain we both felt can't be written. Dr. Blauer said that if it didn't happen naturally, then he could prescribe something for me that would expedite the miscarriage.
We went to my parent's house for General Conference (of course conference had to fall on the exact date) and I just sobbed and sobbed. I didn't even listen. I just stared and wept like a baby.
The next day, the pregnancy symptoms were gone.
That next week I could not focus on anything. Luckily to help with the whole infertility process, we got our puppy Copper. He was such a help during that week. I'm so grateful for him.
I went in to the clinic for a follow up ultrasound on October 3rd and the sac that was once there was unrecognizable.
*WARNING TMI* If you don't want to know the intricate details of my miscarriage, please skip ahead.
October 6th was the worst day of my life. I had been depressed all week and spotting the entire pregnancy. I was at work and just felt like I was leaking everywhere (I had been wearing a pad for weeks now) The later in the day, my cramps were unbearable and I was bleeding a lot, nearly through the pad. I was able to go home early and just sat on the toilet, dripping clots of blood, just hoping that one was the baby so I could get it over with - the pain was unbearable. After about 30 minutes on the toilet, I decided to take a hot hot shower to help with my stomach cramps (labor cramps) I don't know how long I was in there, but it didn't help much. I finally got out of the shower and went back to the toilet. By now it was just before 4 pm that Thursday afternoon. I just started yelling "Get it out!" over and over again. I was done being in pain. Finally I said a prayer aloud begging Him to make the pain stop and almost instantly I felt the baby come out of my body, and the pain instantly subsided. I couldn't bear to look at it and it was so small (the size of a blueberry) that I just flushed and went on with my life. I regret that decision every day.
It sucks big time to see everyone else with their young families shopping or going to church or being together. It's even worse to see the parents mistreat their kids, and I can't help but think, "why do they get to have kids and so many other people can't?"
This has been one of the hardest years for us, and it's frustrating to be entering December with no positive results after over a year of treatments.
Despite all the sadness and heartache, I do have a lot to be grateful for. I'm grateful for my loyal husband and all the ups and downs he has had to handle from me. I'm so glad we have our puppy. He keeps me sane. I'm glad for both families. They are always willing to feed or entertain us. I'm glad I have a good job that has some infertility benefits. I'm glad Nate loves his job. I'm grateful for our house, our cars, our ward, SNL (laughter is the best medicine), warm clothes.. I mean the list goes on and on.
I'm not sure how to end this, but wanted to document it before too much time had passed.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Early symptoms and thoughts
9/25/2016
I had my first ultrasound on Friday to see if there was one or two sacs (or any sacs) and to see exactly how far along I was. My appointment was at 4:30, so I was anxious at work ALL day and ready to go to see Dr. Blauer.
Nate and I got there about 5 minutes early, and they got us in right at 4:30. Dr. Blauer performed the ultrasound, and found one sac! There is a baby in me!! He measured the baby and said I was 6 weeks along (on saturday). That means I'm already halfway through my first trimester!!
I'm still too early to see anything in the sac (my baby is the size of a BB pellet), but I have another ultrasound in a week and should be able to hear the heartbeat!!
So far, my pregnancy hasn't been too bad. I feel a little sick in the morning, but by the time I get up and move around, I feel pretty good. As the days go on, I am much more tired, and have to pee like crazy ALL the time.
I am ok with being sick every morning because it means that I'm still pregnant. I am going to try really hard to never complain and I just pray and hope that this miracle baby sticks!
I had my first ultrasound on Friday to see if there was one or two sacs (or any sacs) and to see exactly how far along I was. My appointment was at 4:30, so I was anxious at work ALL day and ready to go to see Dr. Blauer.
Nate and I got there about 5 minutes early, and they got us in right at 4:30. Dr. Blauer performed the ultrasound, and found one sac! There is a baby in me!! He measured the baby and said I was 6 weeks along (on saturday). That means I'm already halfway through my first trimester!!
I'm still too early to see anything in the sac (my baby is the size of a BB pellet), but I have another ultrasound in a week and should be able to hear the heartbeat!!
So far, my pregnancy hasn't been too bad. I feel a little sick in the morning, but by the time I get up and move around, I feel pretty good. As the days go on, I am much more tired, and have to pee like crazy ALL the time.
I am ok with being sick every morning because it means that I'm still pregnant. I am going to try really hard to never complain and I just pray and hope that this miracle baby sticks!
The results are in!
So, this may or may not be a long blog post. Also, all this information in this post is going to be TMI, so if that makes you uncomfortable, just skip to the end.
Last time we did a fresh IVF cycle, my cycle started on Wednesday (I was supposed to take a blood test on Friday, but started before). So I was really nervous and expected a negative result (a BFN - big fat negative, to those trying to conceive) because I was feeling the exact same symptoms as before. I wasn't nauseous, tired from the dog waking me up so many times, but wasn't sore, and it felt like I was going to start. So all that week, I was super sad and depressed, because we would have to start all over again with shots every day and doctors appointments every other day. (NOT fun.)
I woke up on Wednesday, went to the bathroom, and noticed that I was spotting. This happened the last time, so I figured that afternoon I would start. So I put a tampon in, and waited for the inevitable to happen.
That night, there was more spotting, but it was dark colored and the tampon wasn't full. I figured the birth control messed my cycle up, and was convinced that I wasn't pregnant. I was waiting until Friday (my blood test) before I took an actual at-home test, because I figured, what's the point? It's just a waste of money.
So Friday morning at 8, I got my blood drawn, and I told my nurse Jeanette, that when she called me with the results, just to leave a message, and I would listen to it after work. That day at work i was super busy, so it wasn't on my mind. It was all I had in me when the phone rang not to answer it.
I saw the voicemail.. and waited... I only made it about 30 minutes before I said to myself, "I'm just going to listen to the first 5 seconds, just to get the bad news over with. Here is the voicemail.
Last time we did a fresh IVF cycle, my cycle started on Wednesday (I was supposed to take a blood test on Friday, but started before). So I was really nervous and expected a negative result (a BFN - big fat negative, to those trying to conceive) because I was feeling the exact same symptoms as before. I wasn't nauseous, tired from the dog waking me up so many times, but wasn't sore, and it felt like I was going to start. So all that week, I was super sad and depressed, because we would have to start all over again with shots every day and doctors appointments every other day. (NOT fun.)
I woke up on Wednesday, went to the bathroom, and noticed that I was spotting. This happened the last time, so I figured that afternoon I would start. So I put a tampon in, and waited for the inevitable to happen.
That night, there was more spotting, but it was dark colored and the tampon wasn't full. I figured the birth control messed my cycle up, and was convinced that I wasn't pregnant. I was waiting until Friday (my blood test) before I took an actual at-home test, because I figured, what's the point? It's just a waste of money.
So Friday morning at 8, I got my blood drawn, and I told my nurse Jeanette, that when she called me with the results, just to leave a message, and I would listen to it after work. That day at work i was super busy, so it wasn't on my mind. It was all I had in me when the phone rang not to answer it.
I saw the voicemail.. and waited... I only made it about 30 minutes before I said to myself, "I'm just going to listen to the first 5 seconds, just to get the bad news over with. Here is the voicemail.
When I heard her say, "I have really good news for you", I hung up and immediately called Nate. I put the voicemail on speaker, and we listened to it together. You have to remember that I was CONVINCED that it didn't work again, so I was shocked when she told me I was pregnant!
Nate and I was full on crying tears of happiness while we were both at work (our poor coworkers...) I should have recorded it, but was too anxious. Just know that it was a very special moment between us. keep in mind that the doctor gave us a 5-10% of success WITH in-vitro.
We finally got our big fat positive! It worked! I am pregnant! I still can't believe it is real. I never thought it would be our turn. You read so many stories and blogs about everyone's infertility journey, and so many people have had so much heartache and years of trying. I never knew where ours would fit. I am due in May (our anniversary month!) and we couldn't be more excited! Baby Jackson, reality is starting to sink in! Since Friday (Sept 16th) every once in a while while we are in the car, I will just look at Nate and say, "I am pregnant!" and he'll say, "You are pregnant". We both can't believe it!
I know all the prayers and good vibes helped make this possible. Thank you family and friends for all of your support! Baby Jackson is already loved by so many!
FET #1 - Sept 2nd
The frozen cycles are SO much better than the fresh ones. With the fresh ones, I had to take a multiple shots every day. With a frozen one, the only meds I am taking is Progesterone, Estrogen, and a prenatal vitamin.
Frozen cycle day, was Friday, Sept 2nd, at 11am. I had done the transfer before, but here is a video of it. In the video, the embryologist showed us the embryos, and then sucked them out in a catheter and then put the embryos in me.
Here we are before:
and after:
Frozen cycle day, was Friday, Sept 2nd, at 11am. I had done the transfer before, but here is a video of it. In the video, the embryologist showed us the embryos, and then sucked them out in a catheter and then put the embryos in me.
Here we are before:
and after:
Here's the video (maybe)
Meet Copper!
To distract me from the two week wait (TWW) to see if the frozen transfer worked, we decided to get a mini Golden Doodle (F1B - 75% poodle, 25% golden retriever) and named him Copper. We named him that because he has darker ears and I work at Kennecott Utah Copper.
Isn't he cute?
We bought him from a lady named Emily that lives in Pleasant View. She had so many dogs at her house. She had two litters of 8 puppies each, plus other Bernedoodles and poodles. All the puppies were so cute, and Copper was the smallest one.
We chose this breed because of their less chance of shedding. A full on poodle has hair, not fur, and doesn't shed at all. He is 75% poodle and hopefully has a good chance of not shedding too bad. Nate's mom is allergic, and so far has done ok with him. She hasn't held him, but she has been around him and hasn't had a reaction to him.
Copper has such a personality. When we leave him in his crate for too long, he barks an angry bark when we let him out. He also has a stuffed duck that is bigger than him that he loves to play with. My sisters call him their Nephuppy.
Isn't he cute?
Family photo
He won't actually sleep on his bed, but likes to be touching it.
Showing off for everyone at our soccer game
His first bath! He did so well!
Right after the vet.
We bought him from a lady named Emily that lives in Pleasant View. She had so many dogs at her house. She had two litters of 8 puppies each, plus other Bernedoodles and poodles. All the puppies were so cute, and Copper was the smallest one.
We chose this breed because of their less chance of shedding. A full on poodle has hair, not fur, and doesn't shed at all. He is 75% poodle and hopefully has a good chance of not shedding too bad. Nate's mom is allergic, and so far has done ok with him. She hasn't held him, but she has been around him and hasn't had a reaction to him.
Copper has such a personality. When we leave him in his crate for too long, he barks an angry bark when we let him out. He also has a stuffed duck that is bigger than him that he loves to play with. My sisters call him their Nephuppy.
Phase 2 - Frozen cycle
August 23rd, 2016
So where are we now? After being butt hurt that my period came early, and that our first cycle didn't work, we went on vacation and had a blast. It was really fun to get away and not think about life at home. We went to Universal Studios, San Diego Zoo, the beach, and the pool. We also ate SO much amazing food, I gained weight in a week.
It's been a couple weeks since I stopped taking hormones and I'm finally starting to feel more like myself. I've laughed a lot more and didn't feel bloated, which was a nice change.
So now, I've started my frozen cycle and I've had one baseline ultrasound, and one blood draw (today) and they've told me that everything is working the way it should. My levels are good (estrogen is at 300 and they want to see at least 150). I have another ultrasound on the 30th, and then the transfer most likely on the 2nd. I'm nervous and excited.
In other news, I've convinced Nate to get a puppy! We are going to look at them tomorrow and if we buy it, we'll be puppy parents by mid-September! I think having a puppy will be so exciting and a good distraction for both of us, but especially me.
So where are we now? After being butt hurt that my period came early, and that our first cycle didn't work, we went on vacation and had a blast. It was really fun to get away and not think about life at home. We went to Universal Studios, San Diego Zoo, the beach, and the pool. We also ate SO much amazing food, I gained weight in a week.
It's been a couple weeks since I stopped taking hormones and I'm finally starting to feel more like myself. I've laughed a lot more and didn't feel bloated, which was a nice change.
So now, I've started my frozen cycle and I've had one baseline ultrasound, and one blood draw (today) and they've told me that everything is working the way it should. My levels are good (estrogen is at 300 and they want to see at least 150). I have another ultrasound on the 30th, and then the transfer most likely on the 2nd. I'm nervous and excited.
In other news, I've convinced Nate to get a puppy! We are going to look at them tomorrow and if we buy it, we'll be puppy parents by mid-September! I think having a puppy will be so exciting and a good distraction for both of us, but especially me.
BFP?
August 18th, 2016
I was scheduled to go in for my blood draw on Friday, August 5th, but I started to bleed Tuesday and then Wednesday my period started and came with a vengeance. (Something about all the additional hormones made it feel like someone was stabbing me in the ovaries. To say I was sad it didn't work is the understatement of the year.
I. was. crushed. I still am crushed and it's been 2 weeks later. I mean we even had a picture of our cute little embryos, just to learn that my body is broken.
The only hope I have is that we have a frozen embryo cycle, another fresh cycle, and possibly one more fresh cycle.
If all of those don't work, I don't even know how I'm going to move on. My life is so different from what i thought it would be. I'm trying to look on the bright side, but it gets really hard to live life when all I want to do is have a kid.
Luckily, we went to California and that kept my mind off of of our situation right now.
I was scheduled to go in for my blood draw on Friday, August 5th, but I started to bleed Tuesday and then Wednesday my period started and came with a vengeance. (Something about all the additional hormones made it feel like someone was stabbing me in the ovaries. To say I was sad it didn't work is the understatement of the year.
I. was. crushed. I still am crushed and it's been 2 weeks later. I mean we even had a picture of our cute little embryos, just to learn that my body is broken.
The only hope I have is that we have a frozen embryo cycle, another fresh cycle, and possibly one more fresh cycle.
If all of those don't work, I don't even know how I'm going to move on. My life is so different from what i thought it would be. I'm trying to look on the bright side, but it gets really hard to live life when all I want to do is have a kid.
Luckily, we went to California and that kept my mind off of of our situation right now.
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