Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time to remind yourself of what you are grateful for.  Don't get me wrong, I have A TON to be thankful for, but I also have a huge hole in my heart as I type this.  Today I would have been 15 weeks pregnant with our miracle baby.

Right after my last post, I went to the clinic for an ultrasound on October 1st.  Dr. Blauer performed the ultrasound and got really quiet after a while of looking for the heartbeat.  At this point I was still feeling pregnant and wasn't ready for what he was about to say.  To be sure, he would have me come in on the 3rd, just to double check.

After a while, he said, "I'm sorry, I don't think this is a viable pregnancy"  We. were. blindsided.  I didn't even know how to react.  I just felt numb and almost in shock.  When I realized what that meant, my heart dropped.  The amount of blood, sweat, tears, hope, and money we have spent the last year on trying to start a family was just flushed down the toilet.  The emotional toll of this news crushed us.  The amount of sadness and pain we both felt can't be written.  Dr. Blauer said that if it didn't happen naturally, then he could prescribe something for me that would expedite the miscarriage.

We went to my parent's house for General Conference (of course conference had to fall on the exact date) and I just sobbed and sobbed.  I didn't even listen.  I just stared and wept like a baby.

The next day, the pregnancy symptoms were gone.

That next week I could not focus on anything.  Luckily to help with the whole infertility process, we got our puppy Copper.  He was such a help during that week.  I'm so grateful for him.

I went in to the clinic for a follow up ultrasound on October 3rd and the sac that was once there was unrecognizable.

*WARNING TMI* If you don't want to know the intricate details of my miscarriage, please skip ahead.

October 6th was the worst day of my life.  I had been depressed all week and spotting the entire pregnancy.  I was at work and just felt like I was leaking everywhere (I had been wearing a pad for weeks now)  The later in the day, my cramps were unbearable and I was bleeding a lot, nearly through the pad.  I was able to go home early and just sat on the toilet, dripping clots of blood, just hoping that one was the baby so I could get it over with - the pain was unbearable.  After about 30 minutes on the toilet, I decided to take a hot hot shower to help with my stomach cramps (labor cramps)  I don't know how long I was in there, but it didn't help much.  I finally got out of the shower and went back to the toilet. By now it was just before 4 pm that Thursday afternoon.  I just started yelling "Get it out!" over and over again.  I was done being in pain.  Finally I said a prayer aloud begging Him to make the pain stop and almost instantly I felt the baby come out of my body, and the pain instantly subsided.  I couldn't bear to look at it and it was so small (the size of a blueberry) that I just flushed and went on with my life.  I regret that decision every day.

It sucks big time to see everyone else with their young families shopping or going to church or being together.  It's even worse to see the parents mistreat their kids, and I can't help but think, "why do they get to have kids and so many other people can't?"

This has been one of the hardest years for us, and it's frustrating to be entering December with no positive results after over a year of treatments.

Despite all the sadness and heartache, I do have a lot to be grateful for.  I'm grateful for my loyal husband and all the ups and downs he has had to handle from me.  I'm so glad we have our puppy.  He keeps me sane.  I'm glad for both families.  They are always willing to feed or entertain us.  I'm glad I have a good job that has some infertility benefits. I'm glad Nate loves his job.  I'm grateful for our house, our cars, our ward, SNL (laughter is the best medicine), warm clothes.. I mean the list goes on and on.

I'm not sure how to end this, but wanted to document it before too much time had passed.